Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Carlinisms 2

Suggested Bumper Sticker
We Are The Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem Is Sufficient that He Doesn't Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car

I read an article that cautioned people against shaken-baby syndrome. Do people really need to be told this sort of thing? And if some people do need to be told, are these the kind of people who are very likely to heed the advice?

We have classifications called "legally blind" and "legally dead." What about "legally tired"? I think a guy should be able to declare himself legally tired, so he could get out of doing things he didn't want to do.

Things That Are Pissing Me Off
I don't think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Stop that! Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes, and that repulsive country line-dancing shit that you do, and be yourself. Be proud! Be white! Be lame! And get the fuck off the dance floor!

When I was a little boy, if I got sick I went to a doctor, who sent me to a hospital to be treated by other doctors. Now I go to a "family practitioner," who belongs to a "health maintenenace organization," which sends me to a "wellness center" to be treated by "health-care delivery professionals."

I Like These Jokes:
Drug Traffic: Driving to your connection's house.
Sex Drive: Similar to drug traffic, but with a different destination.
Douche: A female duke.

I love this country. I wouldn't live any other place at any other time in history. BUT! BUT! Say what you want about America - Land of the Free, Home of the Brave - we've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floatin' around this country. Dumb-ass motherfuckers.

I love my dog. I love all my dogs. Every dog I ever had, I still love 'em. And in my life, believe me, I have had me a bunch of god-damn dogs. Because you keep on gettin' a new one, don't ya? It's true. As life goes on, you keep gettin' one new dog after another. That's the whole secret to life. Life is a series of dogs.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, jerk-offs and dip-shits. And they all vote! In fact, sometimes you get the impression they're the only ones who vote.

I think many years ago an advanced civilization intervened with us genetically and gave us just enough intelligence to develop dangerous technology but not enough to use it wisely. Then they sat back to watch the fun. Kind of like a human zoo. And you know what? They're getting their money's worth.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

Do you ever fall asleep in the late afternoon and wake up after dark, and for a moment you can't figure out what day it is? You actually find yourself thinking, Could this be yesterday?

Do you ever reach the top of the staircase and think there's one more step? So you take one of theose big, awkward steps that don't accomplish anything? And then you have to do it a few more times, so people will think this is something you do all the time. "I do this all the time, folks. It's the third stage of syphillis."

We take a lot of things. We take a lot of good things. We take time, we take heart, we take solace, medicine, advice, we take a job, take a break, take a vacation, a leave,a nap, a rest, we take a meal.

We take, take take until we can't take anymore. Maybe it's because our inner nature is not primarily one of giving, but of takin'. Even these things we take that should balance our lives and give us rest do not. We make work out of them. We do them aggressively, always in control. Take.

But when we give, we give a lot of bad things. We give trouble, heartache, sorrow; we give someone a hard time,a migraine, give 'em a heart attack, and give 'em a big pain in the ass.

Expressions I Question
Take the cake
"Boy, he really takes the cake." Where? Where do you take the cake? To the movies? You know where I would take the cake? Down to the bakery, to see the other cakes. And how come he takes the cake? How come he doesn't take the pie? A pie is easier to carry than a cake. "Easy as pie." A cake is not too hard to carry, either. "Piece of cake."

The Riot Act
They keep saying they're going to read that to you. Tell the truth, have you ever heard this thing at all? Ever?
It's especially a problem when you're a kid. They like to threaten you. "You wait 'til your father comes home, He's gonne read you the riot act!"
"Oh, yeah? Well, tell him I already read it myself! And I didn't like it! I consider is wordy and poorly thought out. If he wants to read me somethin' how about The Gentelemens's Guide to the Golden Age of Tongue-Kissing?"

The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread
So this is it? A couple thousand years ... sliced bread? What about the Pyramids? The Panama Canal? The Great Wall of China? Even a lava lamp, to me, is greater than sliced bread. What's so great about sliced bread? You got a knife, you got a loaf of bread. Slice the frickin' thing!! And get on with your life.

Out Walking the Streets
This is another one you hear from men. Some guy sees a rapist on the news. Same rapist as before, only this time he's being released. The guy says, "You see that? You see that guy? They're lettin' him go! Now, instead of bein' in prison, he's out walking the streets." How do you know? How do we know he's out walkin' the streets? Maybe he's home bangin' the babysitter. Not evryone who gets parole is out walking' the streets. A lot of times they steal a car. We oughta be glad. "Thank God he stole a car. At least he's not out walking' the streets."

In Your Own Words
You hearit in classrooms. And courtrooms. They'll say, "Tell us...in your own words..." Do you have your own words? Personally, I'm using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say, "Nigflot blorny quando floon."

Fine and Dandy
That's an old-fashioned one, isn't it? You say to a guy, "How are ya?" He says, "Fine and Dandy." Not me. I never say that. You know why? because I'm never both those things at the same time. Sometimes I'm fine. But not dandy. I might be close to dandy. I might be approaching dandy. I might even be in the general vicinity of dandyhood. But not quite fully dandy. Other times, I might indeed be dandy. However, not fine. One time, 1978. August. For about an hour. I was both fine and dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. I coulda told 'em, "Fine and Dandy!" I consider it a lost opportunity.

Walking Papers
Some guy gets fired, they say. "Well, they gave him his walkin' papers today." Lemme ask you something. Did you ever get any walking papers? Seriously? Believe me, in my life I got fired a lot of times. I never got any walkin' papers. I never got a pink slip, either. You know what I would get? A guy would come around to my desk and say, "Get the fuck outta here!!" You don't need paper for that.

Popular Beliefs
Nice Guys Finish Last
Not true. Stidies have shown that, on the average, nice guys finish third in a field fo six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

Every Child is Special
An empty and meaningless sentiment. What about every adult? Isn't every adult special? And if ot, then at what age does a person go from being special to not-so-special? And if every adult is so special, then that means all people are special and the idea has no meaning.

There is a tendency today these days to complicate speech by adding unnecessary words. The following phrases all contain at least one too many.

belief system
seating area
facial area
daily basis
blue in color
crisis situation
leadership role
rain event
peace process
intensity level
knowledge base
beverage items
emergency situation
shower activity
surgical procedure
boarding process
flotation device
hospital environment
fear factor
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