I got one of those little desktop calenders for Christmas this year. Since Kate knows that I like the comedy musings of George Carlin, she got me "An Orgy of George", which is like a joke-a-day from the comedy genius.
The sky's the limit. Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The Earth's the limit.
Don't you think it's funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?
Talk about wrong priorities. We live in a country that has a National Spelling Bee. We actually give prizes for spelling! But when's the last time you heard about a thinking bee? Or a reasoning bee? Maybe an ethics bee? Never.
They don't make 'em like they used to.
Actually they do make them like they used to, they just don't sell 'em anymore. They make 'em, and they keep 'em!
Let's all agree to end this nonsense about Groundhog Day. We're living in the digital age; we have nanotechnology; we can clone animals;we've been to the moon; doctors can transplant a complete set of heart and lungs at one time...and once a year we stop everything to find out whether some groundhog in Pennsylvania will see his shadow? So we'll know whether or not winter will last another six weeks? It's absurd. You say it's harmless fun and nobody really takes it seriously anyway? Well, if no one takes it seriously, that's all the more reason not to do it.
I have a serious suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off The Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, No Raping People, Thank You For Not Kidnapping anyone. It's certainly worth a try.
Ignore these four words.
Near as I can tell, "Jack-Shit" and "Diddly-Squat" are roughly the same amount.
So get this calender if you an, it's a hoot-a-day. I bet if you found it at Borders or Calenders R Us, they would be on sale since its like, March.